Sweet 16 - Then and Now

Today, my darling daughter, my first born baby, turns sweet 16. I'm happy for her and excited about her journey through high school and teenage life. My husband on the other hand, is sad. Really, he's sad. I guess he doesn't want to see her grow up. I think he's afraid she'll be leaving us soon. I'll be sad when she does fly the coop but, I'm not sad. Is that weird? Parenting is a strange but wonderful trip. Sometimes it is ridiculously joyful and then unbelievably frustrating...in the span of a few minutes. I love it when both my kids are in on the same joke and laughing together. How does that turn into an insult-fest, tattling mess in mere minutes? I dunno. I'm grateful for the times when our family is together and having a good time, or laughing at something ridiculous. Often that means the joke is on me or my husband, but we'll gladly take it. I'm thinking back to my own 16th birthday. It was a small affair at home, with my best friend and high school sweetheart in attendance. My mom bought a chocolate cake and surprised me with a beautiful pearl ring. I was flabbergasted. Money was tight, to say the least, and I wasn't expecting something so extravagant. It meant so much for many reasons. Beyond it being a special keepsake, it was a bit of a showpiece, something I had not much experience with. Despite my vocal objection to "keeping up with the Jones", or the teenage version of it, I was still desperate to belong and having lovely things helped. My friends didn't care about my things as much as I did. My daughter suffers a bit of this too so, I get it when my daughter struggles with worrying about appearing too hoochie, too tough, too young, too anything. On the other hand, I embraced the school environment I was in that not only allowed for individuality, but encouraged it and so took to my father's closet for inspiration. For a second, fedora hats became a signature of mine. Do I wish my daughter had the where-with-all to dress with more flair? I do. But, she just isn't comfortable going there. We wanted to give our daughter a big splashy party but she'd have none of that. She started off asking for a trip to France (wouldn't we all like one!) and then realized it might be a pipe dream. Her other choices included an iPad, a Macbook, a Galaxy something or other...she has good taste. If you can't have a splashy part you should ask for a splashy gift, right? At least hers are functional and can help her with school. The best part of buying our daughter anything tech related is that she can assemble, upload, connect and run just about anything. In fact, I sometimes loan her out. Seriously. Instruction manuals? She doesn't need them. Common sense and a fearless attitude are all it takes. I don't have any of that. Just the thought of having to set up another streaming anything which connects to any other current device we own sends shivers down my spine. I have gone days and days without Netflix because I can't figure out the solution. In the end, she fixed it. Anytime our internet isn't working, I ask our techie daughter to take a stab at fixing it. Nine times out of ten it works! Why can't I master these tasks? I'm not sure if it is fear exactly, but I know it results in shaking, sweat and exasperation. I know, that could describe a few other things... Besides being fearless, I love that my daughter has spunk and swagger as the kids say today. She has moxie but she's not overly precocious or at all obnoxious. She is sweet (mostly) and funny (always) and deeply sensitive. Sometimes I forget that, especially when she digs in her heels and refuses to surrender to my temper, her brother's annoying chatter and her father's occasional "no". She inherited my scowl, something I secretly adore but try not to acknowledge. She inherited her aversion to loud parenting, something I am guilty of and suffered with myself. But, she's definitely her own person and I love, love, love who she is. So, her 16th birthday comes not with sadness for me, but with joy and anticipation. Happy sweet 16, Cyre!

Bored Housewife

Monday morning, 10:20 a.m. and I can't figure out what to do. Seriously. So far, I have made lunches, taken kids to car pool, swept and mopped four rooms, cleaned the bathroom, filled out my unemployment forms, applied for a new job, had a coffee with my neighbor and ran a couple of loads of laundry. I'll say one thing about being unemployed - my house is in order! I'm seriously considering starting a monumental painting job today. Anything to keep me occupied. It's going on month two of unemployment, which may be (except for when I was home with a new baby or period of time between moving cities) the longest spell I've ever gone without a job. I've been working since I could up sell french fries at McDonald's at the age of 14. The idea of not having a job to go to is so strange and I'm still struggling to be okay with it. In the past few weeks, I have developed a serious left eye twitch and I blame my employment status. Friends and acquaintances keep telling me to enjoy myself. My husband tells me he likes having me around. The dog seems happier with a larger pack around in the daytime. I really wish I could relax but it's hard. I know, mini violins are playing for me. The thing is, it’s not about the title or the job per say that gives me satisfaction. It's the idea of contributing to the household, of paying my way and my share that fuels my desire to work. Having the freedom and/or luxury to buy a really nice lunch or a pair of shoes on eBay are just two of the simple things in life that excite me. I don't have any burning desire to six figures, although I wouldn't turn down such a salary either! I just want to get paid a fair salary for a job well done. Crazy, idea, huh?

Long time, no see

Yeah. Another year or so has passed since I last posted here. Where does the time go? I'm kidding. I know where it went. Work, family, grad school, dancing, friends...how did I manage to do this again? I think blogging is like working out. Once you get off the treadmill, it's hard to get back on. Now that I'm temporarily unemployed and just working on my Masters, I plan to devote more time to personal expression. I want to paint (don't worry; walls, not canvas), write, organize cupboards and baskets, plant flowers, read great masterpieces and nest. Taking the time to create is so important for many reasons, beyond the obvious. It's time for me to refuel and cliche as it sounds, fill the void I feel inside. This summer has been beyond eventful. Our family traveled to PEI and reconnected with friends and family there. We spent some time (and cash. Ouch.) on our summer cottage and fell in love with it all over again. It wasn't quite enough time there to quench my thirst for the simplicity and sweetness of the island, but it was a taste. That taste is a huge motivator to go back again next year and experience more. Returning home should have made room for review, reflection and rejuvenation. But, me being me, I invited the world to come visit and visit they did. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE having friends come stay with us. But, nearly four weeks in a row was too much. It put a strain on my relationships and I didn't realize it until it was almost over. Next time I will learn to stagger them so as to give our family some breathing room. Adding to that strain is the stress of unemployment. Letting go of the guilt/shame of not working has been an enormous struggle. My devoted and darling husband has given me permission to "take a break" and do some nesting. It's my own stuff that keeps getting in the way. Some of it is pride. Much of it is simple awkwardness/discomfort of being dependent on someone else. Letting go is a work in progress. The bright side of having more time to write is the unburdening that results in expressing myself. A blog, much like a journal, is a place for honesty. Saying painful/hurtful/joyous things out loud is liberating and terrifying. And, absolutely necessary in my case. Here's to more time spent working on my Full Circle.

Find Your Joy! This year I've decided it's time for me to dedicate some time to myself in pursuit of things that bring me joy. Be it they might be considered silly, weird, nerdy and downright uncool by some (mainly, my children)I have jumped in full force and am embracing joy. It's good for the soul, the psyche, the mind, the body and sometimes the skin too. Though it's not as recent as just this year, my participation in my book club has ramped up. I love nothing more than getting together with a group of smart, witty, wild women to drink wine, swap war stories, battle scars and yes, even talk about books. These discussions bring me great joy, in a way that community can. I don't see them but once a month, other than the occasional running into one another at the grocery or the local coffee shop. I've hosted the book club, recommended reading materials and gone to almost every one the meetings. Like most women, I love to have someone rub, scrape, massage and paint my toes. Regular trips to the nail salon are a must. An hour or two alone with a bunch of cheesy magazines that I love reading but can never bring myself to buy in public, is also part of what gives me joy. Great joy. Hair appointments, waxing appointments (yes, in some weird way they too are part of the joy equation) also contribute to joy. Good grooming really can bring joy. If you don't believe me, try it. Meow. Committing myself to working out and attending fitness classes doesn't really bring me joy when I'm actually working out, but afterwards I feel joy. Doing something healthy that nets some noticeable results is joyful. It is. My greatest joy this year, however, involves lots of sequence, a red wig and disco music. Recently I joined a dance group called The Disco Amigos. Though the thought of their mother dancing in public makes my family cringe, it is something my kids are learning to accept; my friends don't necessarily want to join me, but they get it. Dancing with others who aren't afraid to admit they love disco is joyful in itself. Dancing is something that has always given me joy. I'm having a wonderful, joyful life. Go ahead and find your joy. Life is so much better when you do.

Quit Braggin!

I'm not much of a braggart when it comes to my own accomplishments, mostly because I don't think I have that many. I am willing to shamelessly brag on how smart, weird and funny my kids are and how talented, kind and wonderful my husband is. However, when I do something well (especially if it's a surprise) I have to force myself to share my good news. So, here goes. I've been asked not once, but twice, to give presentations to different groups about web stuff. Me. The late-to-the-ball, non techie, Luddite.

Believe me, being web savvy is not second nature. I've come to learn just enough to get myself in trouble and invited to do a seminar. I remember taking a "computers 101" course at a local high school with mostly new immigrants back in the late 80s. My former roommate was conducting the seminar so I should have felt comfortable. But I didn't. I remember the trauma of switching from typewriters to computers at Journalism school and I was freaked out. I was convinced I was never going to land a job.

I once was offered a job which was advertised as having strong knowledge of advertising and publishing. Check and check. By that time, I'd been in ad sales for about five years and two of them were in publishing. What I didn't know was this job a) involved tons of flying (I HATE airplanes)and b) was completely digital. I would have to create and execute PowerPoint presentations to publishers in the U.S., about a product that used to include hard copies, but was now all online. First of all, I'd never, ever opened PowerPoint once in my life and second of all, I ONLY knew had to email. For reals.

I'm good at sales and was able to sell my many other fine points during the interview (I had a family to feed) and told myself I'd learn on the job. By day two on the gig, and I'm not even kidding, I knew I was in WAY over my head and went straight to the boss. And, told him so. Despite being the only one with a job at that time, I was willing to give it up and look for something else that would be a fit. My boss desperately wanted a woman in the department and convinced me I'd have all the training I needed and would be wonderful at the job. Needless to say, I lasted about a year and a half before I was on medication for depression and ready to take an admin position or work at a restaurant again, just to get out of it. Thankfully, I found a wonderful position with another magazine.

Fast forward several years and I'm in another country looking for work. By this time I had done a good job of getting my writing portfolio together, with national newspapers and magazine stories under my belt. I found a position as a web editor and thought I should apply since I write and had been keeping up with my blog (WelcometoCharlotte-meg.blogspot.com). I figured I might have a decent shot at it, though I was well aware that I wasn't necessarily much of a web person and I don't love to edit. Regardless, I would be writing every day and it was a job in my field. The editor liked my writing and said I'd be able to learn the web program as I went. Where had I heard that before?

This time, I did learn on the job. A lot. I got familiar with all kinds of software, online publishing programs and yes, even PowerPoint. Best of all, I had earned some confidence when it came to my abilities as both a writer AND a techie. Did I love having to edit and fix web problems? No. But, I learned a very valuable lesson which I've carried with me everywhere I've been since. Make IT guys (let's be real; they're 99% guys) your friend. They are almost always nerdy, hilarious, sarcastic and very very smart.

I digress. Let's fast forward another year and I'm back in New Orleans, at another job as a media specialist, requiring me to create a brand new, semi custom website. At my previous job, we had gone through a website re design so I knew I could do this job...with help from a team of programmers from India. I'm no programmer, but I do know some basic html and CSS. Plus, I had a "Dummies" book so how hard could it be? I severely underestimated the challenges of working with a team of guys with heavy accents on a different time zone. Wow.

In this position, I probably learned the most. I am now very comfortable PowerPoint and even discovered some other programs that work with it and create even more spectacular presentations. I have learned more code and another new software program. Do I know how to edit photos, audio and video clips? Check. Am I a social media maniac? Yup. Can I create web pages on my own? Check.

I'm now at another University as web content editor and loving it. I'm responsible for social media and am killin it. Our followers, fans, likes etc are increasing 10 fold. I create pages, menus, write stories, take meetings, make suggestions...I love it. I guess the enthusiasm is paying off because I've been asked to conduct a "how to use social media for your business" seminar as well as a "create great presentations with SlideRocket" one too.

I'm not quite ready for either one, though I could get the social media one together rather quickly. As for the latter, it's a bit terrifying to consider but so very flattering to be asked. Whether I do it or not, the point is, I've been asked. I've got some skills and others recognize them. So, I'm braggin.

No Time Like the Present

Every year I make the same boring, lame-ass resolutions to lose weight, be nicer to my kids, curb my road rage and expand my vocabulary that most of us do. Though all of these endeavors would make me a nicer, calmer person, truth is they are flaws that are most likely never going to be fixed. Yes, not cussing in the car with my kids would make me a better parent. Losing weight would boost my self-confidence. Learning new ways to describe things would be very pleasing. But really, "Meh" is what I think of these. And so, I don't ever lose any sleep over the fact that I haven't kept them longer than a couple of days.

However, there is one resolution that came to me via epiphany. I think I may have actually heard some angels singing "ahhhh" when I decided to embrace it; I am going to do whatever task pops into my brain at that present time. How does it work? I remember (while brushing my teeth, one of the most mundane tasks possible) that I need to take a certain paper to work. With toothbrush clenched between my teeth, I walk over to the desk, pick up the paper and put it in my work bag. Right then and there. Here goes another one - I'm working on a document for tomorrow's meeting at work and suddenly it dawns on me that I forgot to send photos to a co-worker. I minimize my document, open outlook, create a new email, attach said photos and hit send. Boom. Mission accomplished.

Some people would say that this particular method is for those with ADD; or maybe it won't allow you to get anything done at all. I'm here to say "Can I get a witness?" I get shit done. More shit. Yes, it's a bit helter skelter, frazzled and lacking in any real rhythm. Know what? I don't care. I get shit done.

I have remembered to send letters, post mail, keep up on reports and keep my life fairly organized. I'm doing less planning and more spontaneous acting. On my day off this week I got groceries, a pedicure, posted a letter, walked the dog, paid a bill and did two loads of laundry before lunch. I just went with the task at hand. I was going to the grocery and thought "My toes are disgusting. I'm going to see if the nail salon is open." I made a quick detour and voila, it worked. I still got home at my set designated time AND I threw in a pedicure. I just had to hustle a little at the grocery store.

Today it's January 19 and I've kept my resolution. That's got to be a record on its own. I love my resolution and I plan on keeping it for a while. Or at least until January 2013.

What Gets You Up in the Morning

I get cold feet. If they're ice cold, I cannot sleep. If I cannot sleep, I have to get up and put on socks, warm them in front of the fireplace, take a bath or wrap them up. That's just one of the reasons I get out of bed. There are many others, such as bright light shining on my face, incessant dog barking and my least favorite reason, the rowdy neighbors next door.

We all have our reasons for getting out of bed, with the most common one being because the alarm goes off. I get out of bed for that too. But it's never voluntary. You know those commercials for coffee, or sleep aids or crescent rolls where the people wake up with a giant stretch and a big smile? Yeah. Who are those freakin weirdos? I'd like to once, just once, see someone I know get up in the morning like that.

Christmas is just around the corner, which is one of the very best reasons to get up in the morning. Even when December 25 rolls around, I still slide out of bed with only one eye open (whichever one isn't closed shut with eye goop). The kids may jump on the bed with excitement and shriek with delight, but that doesn't mean I share their immediate enthusiasm. Yes, I'm happy to be up and excited about presents but the truth is, I've likely stayed up the night before wrapping presents until some ungodly hour with duct tape, chewing gum and glue. It probably doesn't help that I've most likely had a few too many glasses of cheer, which often puts a damper on enthusiasm (or anything that requires loud noises). But, Christmas does get me up in the morning.

The holiday season is also almost here which SHOULD mean lots of extra sleep and NOT having to get up in the morning. But like so many other painful Murphy's Laws, I almost never sleep in on holidays. There's always an unexpected knock at the door, or the kids are especially rangy given the fact that there's no school, or someone in the house has run out of toilet paper and is calling my name. In those instances I hearken the spirit of my dead mother and say "I've changed my name!" which was often her retort.

This week I have a day off of work (it's the one day between jobs) and I won't have to get up in the morning. But, I just might. I hope to spend the day visiting cool shops, taking a leisurely lunch with friends and wrapping gifts. Part of me hopes I don't get up and nap until noon. Part of me wishes I could rise out of bed with a big ass smile on my face and hit the mall at warp speed. I doubt it will happen though cause I'll probably get cold feet.